How to (not) Get Arrested in China 101

It was gone 4am and I was sitting with my friend, half naked Nelly (an aspiring lawyer so his identity must remain anom.) enjoying the multi-falvourations of the local street food. We had ordered bbq skewers from one stall and some mi fan from another. We were not drunk. We got up to leave, paid for the rice and went on our jolly way.


We managed to get as far as the top of our street before a whole army of Chinese street food vendors accosted us from all angles; luckily we were not drunk. Had we been drunk, a whole different kind of scene would have unfurled. As we were not drunk, we quickly realized our mistake (we had accidentally forgotten to pay for the kebabs and owed the rather butch and incredibly strong Chinese woman 5 Yuan), paid up and went home to a none-alcohol marred sleep.


Had we been drunk, this is what may have happened...



H.N.N: We paid!


Chinese street vendor gang: %%)#@&!()!{#_%(%_^(_%$^(_$%(^%_^@!! All in disgusted unison.


Me: WE PAID!!!


The police turn up within minutes. There is a side note worth making on this particular theme and this is it: Where the bloody arse hell are the po po when you're getting raped or murdered? Accidentally forget to pay for some street food or do a wee in an alley after one too many cups of tea of an eve and you can bet your bottom that they'll be there, fingers a waggin'. Anyway, H.N.N and myself are now cornered by several police men and the street food vendor army and beginning to think, 'shit, maybe, just maybe, we really did forget to pay.'


ME: Ok, ok it's ok, we'll give you the money just get off of us. Do you realise who we are? (we are, in actual fact, no really much of anybody at all, really).


At this point a big strong butch Chinese woman has both my arms in a death grip while one of the police officers is doing his best impression of a 14 year old girl with a crush, batting away with a pathetic display of muscle power at H.N.N's chest.



H.N.N: He tore my god damn shirt the bastard.


There is no way that we are going to get away, this female Chinese vice is enough to take us both down, even if the police are somewhat lacking. They start to shove us into the car as we dramatically scream "nooooooooooo", practicing for the end of the world when we will all eventually get sucked into the sun or some shit.



Luckily H.N.N has a brain wave: his gay lover lives in the apartment building which just happens to be next to where this scene is unfurling. H.N.N does a kind of under arm roll, manages to get his phone out of his pocket and begs Special K to come down and save us.



Down Special-K strides, pays the street vendors off, bribes the police with a smile and we're once again rumpachumping down the street.



H.N.N: They tore my shirt, the bastards!